Have you ever faced a time in your life where you felt like you were being placed through a wringer?
Where the very fabric of you are is being deconstructed so you can start from scratch. That is where I have been the last few weeks. God has ever not so gently been showing me MASSIVE blind spots in my life. Core beliefs that are completely false and unhealthy. On top of that we are just now coming out of about a 10-day window of stomach issues in our home. If that’s not enough to cause a person to lose their mind just add the perpetual cycle of interrupted sleep.
Last night for example: [times are approximations] go to bed at 8:30, up at 9:45 and 12:30 to nurse youngest, shortly before 3 up with youngest again, crawl back in bed, in the 3 ‘o’clock hour get up 3 more times before giving up while taking care of 3 of your sons, 4:15 while soothing your youngest back down #3 joins daddy from the faintest sound of thunder and before 5am all 4 are awake and begging for food. I won’t say this is normal but me being up 5+ times in a night for at least 2 of my kids is not uncommon.
Basically this is how I look and feel 90% of the time at home:
The weight of life seems to be bearing down hard lately and in that frustration has built to a boiling point that has been spilling over in countless areas but specifically my marriage and motherhood. My poor guys have faced the brunt of my short-tempered attitude. I have had to perfect the art of quickly cleaning up the countless messes I have made. (Not that I do it every time š¬) As I write this I remember once again the verse God highlighted for me to memorize when Judah was a baby:
Refrain from anger and give up your rage; do not be agitated — it can only bring harm. [emphasis mine]Ā Psalm 37:8
Frustration has become my kryptonite; it has infected my motherhood and damaged my relationships.
Yet somehow in the midst of my ugly the Savior of the world has come shockingly close to my heart in the last month. I am not saying He hasn’t been there before but there has been an extra layer of sweetness lately. As I have given way to Him in my mess fully He is continually gracious with me through my fit throwing, my groveling and my at times lame attempts of changing.
It truly is His kindness that leads us to repentance.
Often I forget that frustration is not a root but a fruit. Deeper, past the sleep deprivation and constant neediness I have thisĀ fear that I am not enough. I believe in some way I am going to fail or horribly mess up my boys. He reminded me in the middle of the night as I soothed my three-year old back to sleep with a Steve Green song that He is trustworthy. As I sang the simple song over and over in hopes to alleviate Zealand’s “irrational” fear of the grey curtains I ended up soothing my own soul.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you.
When I am afraid I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise.
Ā
Sitting here this morning pondering I find myself grateful that I have been friended by the King of kings. Missing the mark in relationship is inevitable BUT when we choose not to hide but confide it builds an intimacy in which words fail me. This season is leaving the mark of intimacy in friendship. I am learning to admit my nasty faults to God, my husband, a trusted friend (thanks, Shan) and most importantly myself. Trust is taking root in me once more and relationships are changing quickly for the better.
When you find yourself in a state of mental frazzle and utter frustration look to the greatest friend you will ever know.
Jesus is waiting there in the waves of life beckoning you closer. Fix your gaze on His. Quiet yourself. Listen intently to His whispers, “Baby, you, we got this.” Lastly, trust that He is worthy of praise no matter how you feel.
You do indeed have this, whateverĀ thisĀ looks like for you, I believe in you!
