If you didn’t catch my breakup letter post (here) maybe stop. Read that.
Then come back here and get a glimpse of where my relationship with the church started.
I was brought up in church, started out as a quintessential baptist — at church when the doors were open. Being as church kid delighted me. Awana. Youth group. Choir. Christmas Plays. Puppet ministry. Service activities. S.H.A.C. (students hanging after church) VBS (vacation bible school). JAM (Jesus and Me) Week. Yep, I did it all, even got the t-shirts to prove it. I went on from my young baptist days to a “non-denominational” evangelical church where I was still very much involved in youth leadership and all of the things.
Mission Trips were my safe haven growing up, no where else did I feel more alive than out serving those in need both here stateside and around the world I loved it so much that I joined YWAM (Youth With A Mission) at 19 and went through a DTS (discipleship training school). My school was AW80 (Around the World in 80 Days) where I went for biblical training in New Zealand and then spent time traveling around the Middle East in hopes of leading others to my faith.
[apparently the church/christians likes acronyms]
I say all of this to point out, I was committed. Sold out. Ready to do anything for the sake of the theology I was taught. I was going to say for the Gospel but looking back I don’t know if it truly was fully the Gospel (the good news of Christ).
You see in my years being fully submerged in all of the activities the church offered I picked up and placed countless shackles on myself.
Some of the shackles were explicitly taught and others were caught but it left me at 29 coming completely undone.
Shackles of self-hatred. (you can’t trust your heart only the Bible)
Shackles of control. (don’t cause your brother to stumble)
Shackles of certainty. (the formulaic salvation prayer is the ONLY way to get to heaven)
Shackles of excuse. (just waiting on the Lord to give me a sign)
There is so much more to each of these and well there are just more shackles but wanting to make sure this does not drag on too long I am going to stick with the bird’s eye view.
Irony of ironies my all time favorite line of any song is from the hymn “Come Thou Fount” where it says:
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
If you don’t know what a fetter is, well it is basically shackles. When singing this song I am literally asking to bind myself to the Creator which is different from binding oneself to religion but that is precisely what I had done. Instead of allowing the goodness of God to bind me to himself I let the dogma of man bind me to a faith construct I am now horrified that I once held so closely.
I feel like here may be a good place for me to apologize.
If you have ever been on the receiving end of my judgement due to the religion I once clung to, I am sorry. I am sorry for weaponizing my religion against you. You are more than a set of church standards and worthy of honor simply for being human. Will you please forgive me.
