My whole life I have had big lofty dreams, ones that I have been told were too much and that I shouldn’t expect it to happen. When Ian showed up my dreams had to be re-fashioned to fit another person and with each kid we have had my dreams have once again had to be re-shaped. In the midst of the growth of our family I had begun to believe my dreams were strewn about the cutting room floor and I would never get to live the life I had once dreamt up and that all of my former critics were right. The pain this brought to my heart over the last few years has been at times unseen and at other times all consuming. I knew that I knew I was meant to walk this journey with Ian and every addition has been nothing short of God’s perfection. Yet the loss that I felt left me confused and longing for greater understanding of what I thought I knew when I was younger about what I would do and who I would be; because stay at home mom living in the suburbs of Texas was not what I had envisioned.
The other night I was standing in the kitchen cleaning, well honestly I was pouting but just the same dishes were being done. (Often some of my best cleaning times are when I am stressed or angry) As I was scrubbing dishes airing out all of my grievances to God as the rest of my household slept peacefully I found myself blurting out, “God, I thought I was going to ‘XYZ’ but here I am at ‘ABC’.” Instantaneously, I heard, “exactly, you are only at the beginning.” I stood there dumbfounded in the middle of my kitchen feeling liberated in a way I hadn’t in some time. My journey is only beginning; I am merely at ABC. This means all of those lofty dreams that I thought were on the cutting room floor were in fact just being repositioned in the film of my life. The cast needed to be bigger, the dream wasn’t over just not exactly how I originally envisioned.
Knowing that I am not at the end gave me a new lease on life, it seems silly but it is way easier to live in this season knowing I haven’t actually peaked. Even typing that out feels silly now; of course I haven’t peaked I haven’t yet turned 30. Somehow in the midst of becoming a wife and mom I have felt lost and as if my dreams were no longer of any importance that I had forever resigned myself to supporting roles helping my husband and children achieve their dreams while mine laid there rotting. In reality though mine aren’t rotting they are hibernating better yet they are germinating and in the right season they will blossom and be seen by the world around me.
So to those of you out there reading this, the young moms, the singles and even those who have entered into what many people refer to as their final act, the grandparent aged and older, don’t give up on your dreams. You don’t know where you are in your alphabet line; I definitely didn’t think I was still chilling out at “ABC” until the other night. In Isaiah it is written, “I declare the end from the beginning, and from long ago what is not yet done, saying: My plan will take place, and I will do all My will.” (46:10) Maybe just maybe that dream you once held onto was something God was declaring to you about your end and not your beginning. He is the Author and Finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2) He didn’t put dreams in you as a joke, He is faithful to complete what He started in you (Philippians 1:6)
Take heart in the fact that you are not through. There is breath in your lungs for a reason my friend. Be mindful and better yet hopeful that there is more to come.